Red Dwarf: The Movie: The Book
by Ace Lister
Summary: Rimmer and the other Dwarfers have to get the cure for a virus eating away at what has been their home for the past 3 million years will they save it? And if so, what then?
1. Last Time, on Red Dwarf VIII

Here is my adaptation of Red Dwarf The Movie. Yep, an adaptation before the filming has begun - how ahead of the game am I? 

-Enter Standard Disclaimer Here- - everyone should know Rob and Doug wouldn't be putting stuff here

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It was tough being a vending machine on Red Dwarf. Even though those Nanobots had been quite polite when putting him back together, that was no comfort since the previously deconstructed ship was now being eaten by a designer micro biotic agent. "Some days it doesn't pay to come online…" he moans. Though being entirely electronic, he has his doubts about how much of a 'he' he is. Sure, 'he' has a male voice, though it could just be a synthesized manly woman's voice. Once you learn that, you come to understand just why some vending machines get so ratty. That's the reason this one decided to call itself Klig – a very unmale and unfemale name.  
Suddenly, 'he' heard voices approaching. Obviously headed for the Captain's Recovery room. One of them sounded familiar… But no time for that, the ship was about to be destroyed – it was time for the hard sale.  
"Roll up, roll up!" 'he' announced. "Be the last people to buy a fun-sized Crunchie bar before the end of the ship! Extra, extra: see all about it"  
"No thanks, we're in a hurry." A woman said as the voice that sounded familiar stopped mid-sentence. The combined footsteps – four humans and a mechanoid – went past.  
"Drifter? Mars bar? Banana milkshake!" Klig called out desperately.  
"Lissen bud…" an American voice said. "The lady said we don't want nothin', so we don't want nothin'." Suddenly his voice changed to a whisper. "Ya got any of those coconut things, covered in chocolate"  
"Dark or milk?" Klig asked, his voice matching the man's pitch.  
"Which one can I get for 32 pennycents and an old button?" the man said hesitantly.  
Klig checks his totals, trying to find out if he can take a 1 pennycent loss due to short-changing officers through the day. He finds that the man who stole that choccy-nut bar yesterday has left him still down by 26 pennycents. "Sorry, you need another pennycent." Klig states.  
"Aww come on, man… I'm desperate…" the man pleads.  
"Nope"  
"Y'can't hold out on me… I need my fix"  
"You don't have the cash, I can't give you anything." Klig says defiantly.  
The man hisses slightly. "Fine… This 'mirror universe' Red Dwarf'll probably give me free chocolate, anyhow…" he says, storming off to join his fellows.

Cat enters the Captains Recovery room and see's Kryten has put together the device they brought with them. "S'what's this thing do, anyhow?" he asks anyone. Someone said 'opens a portal into a mirror universe, which will allow us to discover a cure for the ship's horrible ailment.' All Cat heard was 'mirror universe' - causing him to think of a universe covered in mirrors where he can spend the rest of his existance looking at himself.  
"This device means we can leave this ship, get a cure for the chameleonic microbe, then come back and cure Red Dwarf." Kochanski explains.  
"But how? What's in the other universe?" Cat asks, still confused.  
"We are. But opposite." Lister chimes in.  
Cat thinks for a moment, images of everyone walking on their hands coming to mind. "Well it's a good thing I'm wearin' this suit…" he says with a shrug.  
"It's ready…" Kryten says, about the machine he has been fine-tuning. "If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That's something we won't know until we get there." He explains. What do to at that point, and how to overcome it, is something he still has to compute.  
Lister turns to Rimmer, whom is holding the glass vial of chameleonic microbes, and gestures at the mirror. Rimmer, apprehensive about what may happen if he's half-way through and the device goes kaput, decides that the first one through is less dangerous than being the last one through, so takes the first step. He disappears through the shimmering mirror, seconds before the machine lets out a loud crack - sparks flying from it.  
"It's overloaded! We've lost Mister Rimmer!" Kryten cries out, the panic at potentially killing one of his friends being massive on his systems.  
"At last, things are looking up!" Cat says, smiling widely. 'At last!' he thinks 'No more living alphabet head to ruin things'  
"How long's it going to take to fix that thing?" Lister asks, worried for his newly resurrected crewmate and the cure for Red Dwarf's ailment.  
"Well, best guess, about twenty minutes." Kryten estimates. He was aware there may be some problems, with having to kitbash this thing together in as little time as possible from theories and experimental machines.  
As-if to prompt them on their way, the television beside them falls over, the stand eaten away by the virus – a sharp bang ringing out as the power lead is yanked out of the appliance.  
"I think that's our cue…" Kochanski says, suddenly very aware of the ship disintegrating around them. "Sounds like the Get-out-of-here-quick samba"  
"Really?" Cat asks. "Sounds to me it's more like the waltz"  
Kochanski glares at Cat, as Kryten makes the fixes to the machine and activates it. "We should go now sirs. Ma'am." He suggests, herding the trio towards the now-open portal.

Now alone, Klig sighs softly, 'his' lights dimming as he doesn't have to looks as prominent to entice anyone to buy confectionary. Now that there's no human aboard ship. Again. There was a distant explosion, signalling the eradication of the newly made quark matter-antimatter power core – the back up diesel power decks kicking in instantly. A few seconds later, there were closer noises. Human noises. Klig lit up his displays, hoping that imminent destruction will purge the human's wallet – as well as their bowels.  
"The antidote! I did it!" comes a voice, through the door and down the corridor, audible even over the steam and rending of metal sounding out throughout the deck. Klig remembers the voice - the one who stole a chocolate bar from him.

Rimmer rushes out into the corridor, blasts of steam hiss out at him in the smoke-filled air. The ship is trembling from the strain wrought by the biological terror eating away at her, the sound of twisting metal resounding through the air. He walks down the corridor, looking around. "Wha - Where is everyone?" he asks, half passing the question to Klig.  
"They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe." Klig explains, having heard the conversations in the recovery ward less than 5 minutes ago. "You're the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I suppose that makes you Captain - congratulations, Cap." He adds sarcastically.  
"Smeg off!" Rimmer snaps viciously. It's bad enough these could be his last few minutes of breathable air, without the vending machines making the worst of his life until then. Finally a position of power… And nothing to do about it. He rushes back into the recovery room, looking at the mirror. The shimmer is gone, the laser going from the machine isn't there… He glances at the machine, seeing a half-melted mess, the microbe obviously having reached the machine. He stares at the single-word worth of formula on his piece of paper, and dashes back out into the corridor, managing to get out of there just as something in the recovery room breaks out in flames, fire almost chasing him from the room.  
Klig pulls the human up short as he is about to pass. "Where are you going?" 'he' asks.  
"To make up a formula!" Rimmer almost squeals at Klig, waving the piece of paper at the machine he assumes is a him, also.  
"I think you'll find that the formula on that paper has now turned into the formula for the virus, because you've left the mirror universe, so it's turned back into its opposite - ha ha ha haa haaaa!" Klig berates Rimmer, happy at the small measure of revenge gained from actually paying attention to the human's earlier.  
Rimmer stares at the garbled formula on the paper as the thick smoke, rolling in from the fire in the recovery room, begins to obscure everything. "Smeg, you're right!" he agrees, finally realising his mistake. "This is a disaster"  
"No, there still could be a happy ending"  
"How"  
"You know that chocolate bar you still owe me for? You could always pay me back before you snuff it"  
"How's that a happy ending"  
"Well, its a happy ending for me. At least my totals will tally"  
"Why don't you smegging-well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger!" Rimmer exclaims loudly at the vending machine that is annoying him. Suddenly, Kryten's machine explodes, adding more fuel to the fierce fire in the recovery room. Rimmer runs down an adjacent corridor for cover, thinking about how to get out of this mess.

"Every dog has its day," Klig says to itself, loading a can of fizzy pop into it's dispenser and aiming down the adjacent corridor. "and today's the day..." it says, fireing the drink at high speed. HE crosses his circuits that it finds it's mark, hearing the thud of metal on human skull before a sound much as he thought a human hitting the deck in partial consciousness would. "...that I'm the dog!" he finishes in triumph.

Stunned by the abrupt pain, Rimmer forces himself to his hands and knees, the gathering fire and heat becoming nearly unbearable. He holds up his strip of paper, everything seeming to move in slow motion. Fire makes its way up the paper, making the first part of it unreadable. "Smeg..." he says softly, watching his last vestige of escape drifting away. His hand goes limp, letting the piece of paper drop to the floor.  
A foot, wearing a brown open-toed sandal, crushes out the flames devouring the paper, being joined milliseconds later by another foot. Rimmer follows the foot, up the robe-covered leg, up a completely obscured body. The robes seem to be catching a gust of wind and distanced from the heat and flames surrounding the deck. The figure carries a long pole, to which is attached a long, curved blade. The Grim Reaper, Death.  
"Arnold Judas Rimmer." Death voice proclaims. "Your life is over. Come with me." He says, holding a hand out to help the stricken man to his feet. "We will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin in the "  
"Not today, matey!" Rimmer says, zest back in his voice, as he places his knee solidly in Death's groin. He watches the Reaper Of Souls drop to the floor before stating "Remember: 'only the good die young'." With increased vigour, he makes a run for it, off down the corridor.  
"That's never happened before..." Death says, holding his injury.

Rimmer runs – not caring where he is going. Most of the signs are charred, showing only the Esperanto parts: which would confuse Rimmer even more if he troubled to read them. Before he knows it, he's back at his old quarters which – from the dust on the surfaces - have been ignored whilst he's been serving his sentence. He gets his old boxing gloves out of a case underneath his bunk and puts them on. It's been a while since he's worn these – before Lister became his bunkmate and he didn't want to look a pansy in his sleep, in fact – but damnit, he was going to put up a fight against the Grim Reaper.  
"I should aim high." he wonders aloud to himself. "He'll probably be wearing a cup from now on"  
"Bet your life on it." An ominous voice declares before the Grim Reaper comes into the quarters. Slowly, he raises, then lowers a hand – hidden beneath his cloak – and taps his crotch, resulting in a solid noise – a sports cup.  
Rimmer is stood, shaking and sweating. Before, he had a clear idea of his escape plan - beat up Death and leg-it. But, filled with dread, he isn't getting out of the quarters. He has a sudden burst of inspiration, something the Reaper just said. "Alright, I will." He says, his voice shaking. "I'll bet my life. A game of skill"  
The Reaper seems to consider the request for a few seconds before nodding his entire upper-body forwards. "I accept the challenge." Booms his voice.  
"If… I win, I live. If you win… I'll go with you." Rimmer says before quickly carrying on. "The game I choose is"  
"Risk." The Reaper interrupts.  
Rimmer stops himself from smiling, just nodding in acceptance.

-  
Well, that's a long chapter worth of re-cap - but from here on out, there's new stuff. I have most of the next chapter written already, I'm just finishing it up.  
I wrote this as a result in there possibly never being a Red Dwarf film. I didn't want events as I saw them to be lost forever...


	2. Of Risk And Risking

The mirror captain's recovery room is a welcome change from the fast disintegrating surroundings they have just come from, Lister thinks as he breathes in the cleaner air and makes room for the others to come through the mirror. Once everyone is out, he looks at the portal. "Now Kryten, are you sure this thing's going to hold long enough for us to haul our arses back through?" he asks the mechanoid.

"As long as you get a bloody shift on." Comes a strong Yorkshire accent from Kryten.

Lister blinks and shakes his head, looking at his friend. "You what?"

"That sounds much like Spare Head Three…" Cat says, causing Lister to jump in shock - seeing the always-stylish feline in a tweed suit, bow tie and glasses, his hair now a short afro cut.

"What the smeg is goin' on…?" Lister ask aloud, looking at Kochanski.

Kochanski is filing her nails, concentrating quite a lot on them. "Hmm?" she asks, her blonde curls waving softly.

"Krissy?" Lister asks, waving a hand about a foot away from her face.

"It appears that we have taken on the continence of our other dimensional counterparts, David." Cat says, appearing worried about the way he just explained that.

"I knew this were a bad idea, but you wouldn't bloody listen to me if I said anything." Kryten complains.

"So why 'avn't I changed?" Lister wonders aloud, still looking at his ex-girlfriend.

Kochanski looks up and blinks a few times. "Well I dunno, do I? I can't think of anythin' at the minute…" she says. "Maybe… But these nails are so close to perfect…" she says, getting distracted by her nails again.

"David, perhaps we should get along on our way, so to speak. Then we can be rid of these strange bodies and minds." Cat says, still finding it weird to speak this way. He's got his own voice, but he doesn't feel right using these long words, instead of the cut-down versions he is used to.

"Yeah… Let's get a shufty on and then we can get outta here." Lister agrees, leading the way out of the mirror recovery room.

"Prepare to die, Arnold Rimmer!" Death announces, raising his hand. He brings it down and opens it, letting two red dice roll out, onto a map of Europe. "A two and a three! Oh…"

Rimmer is sat opposite the Reaper, across a Risk board, various pieces covering it. He has a slight grin on, obviously winning. "Ooh, bad roll…" he says, dripping with fake sympathy. "Though, I do wish you wouldn't keep telling me to prepare to die…"

Death moves his units, muttering under his breath. "You will see the River Styx, Arnold…" he warns. "You have done once before, you will do so once again."

"River Styx… You named the river of the afterlife after a band?" Rimmer asks nonchalantly as he gathers up the dice. He shakes them lightly and tosses them onto the board. A five and a six; he certainly was on fire today. And that had nothing to do with the hell that the ship was becoming around them.

If Rimmer bothered to look away from the game, he would see that everything around them was going slowly. Though they are more than two hours into the game, the ship's chronometer has only gained 15 minutes. If he bothered to look up, he would see that the virus had started to eat away at his bunk, the mouldy Sugar Puffs long dissolved into nothingness. If he bothered to look up, he would notice, through the window, a small ship has appeared in space and is heading towards Red Dwarf. But he wouldn't look up. Not with a game of Risk going on in the same room as him. After all, he knows a lot about being in command of an army. He's never told anyone, but he was once Alexander The Great's chief eunuch - being around that grand mind, something must have rubbed off.

Rimmer moves his panzer units across the English Channel, towards the Grim Reaper's units holding off in Scotland. His own units had met their demise in Wales, fortunately taking out some of Death's main force. In only three more turns, at most, he would be declared the winner - and win his life.

Lister goes through a doorway and looks around, not seeing anyone currently in the laboratory. He signals for the others of his group to follow him. He takes a small vial out of his pocket and holds it out to Kryten. "Come on, man." He says. "Stick it in one of these thingies and find out what it's opposite would be." It was obvious that finding out what it is - currently the antigen change back into the virus once through the mirror. The virus in this side of the mirror would become the antivirus in their universe. Even Rimmer would be able to figure that out, surely - but bringing two samples was always their best bet.

"Why don't you stick it up yer backside, sonny!" Kryten replied in disgust. "Treat me like a flaming scullery maid and a flippin' scientist rolled into one…"

Lister grits his teeth and turns to Kochanski - who isn't in the room. He looks out of the room and see's her admiring her reflection and fixing her hair. "Krissy!" he snaps in a loud whisper; which is ignored.

Cat, seeing his chance to shine, takes the viral sample from Lister and goes over to one of the machines - which looks to Lister like some sort of Bovril machine - and inserts the sample. It analyses the substance through the glass cylinder and a name prints out from the attached printing unit.

"Fan-smegging-tastic!" Lister cheers.

The red craft which has just appeared alongside Red Dwarf - which although it's several thousand meters away, in relative space-terms it's about as far as your toes from the end of a pair of comfortable shoes - turns towards the giant mining ship and surveys her damage. Inside, the vast vessel is reflected on his helmet's visor, her mutilation making his fist tighten around the joystick. It's obvious to the occupant of the smaller craft, that whatever is causing damage must be stopped before the damage is too much for the structure to handle and it breaks apart. He starts keying commands into the console in front of him.

How's it looking so far?


	3. The Winner

As he retreats across Europe, headed for a stronghold in Uganda, Rimmer tries to figure out how it suddenly turned out wrong. He was winning… Now the Grim Reaper had destroyed most of his troops, including Napoleon Bonaparte. He always looks after his command units in Risk more if they were named after ancient famous commanders. It's time to think of a way to weasel out of this…

"Mr Death, sir…" he begins. "Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot…"

"You kicked me between the legs, Arnold…" the Reaper says, picking up the dice and beginning to shake them.

"Then perhaps 'foot' was the wrong word to use… Nonetheless, I think, seeing as I've been dead before… That I shouldn't die."

The Reaper chuckles, the sound sending a shiver up Rimmer's spine. "You fear you will lose the wager." He says. "You will."

When the 'Bovril machine' has finished synthesising the viral antivirus, Cat removes a filled vial of white and holds it out to Lister. "Here we are, friend." He says, smiling.

"I can't wait to hear you say 'buddy', mate…" Lister says, shrugging his eyebrows as he leads the posse to the exit.

"Hold it right there, Davey-boy." Comes a familiar, bold voice. "Where do you think you're going?"

Lister turns and the shock is obvious on his face. "Ace… What're you doin' 'ere?"

Stood in front of the group is a man with the face of Rimmer, but vastly different in every other way. But only the voice gives away who he is, as the silver bomber jacket and flight suit is now a cardigan and jogging bottoms, the coif and shoulder length locks now an elbow length perm. "You promised that you'd set my tape recorder so the time stops blinking midnight all the time. Not prance around with your friends." Ace says, his voice showing that he is in a huff.

"S-sorry, man… I was just…"

"Just carrying on with another man! A doctor, no less!" Ace snaps, cutting off Lister's excuse.

"If you are referring to me, I am a professor." Cat adds, wondering how he knows that.

"That's worse!" Ace shouts, tears ready and apparent in his eyes. "I knew that the gym coach would be too good a catch for someone like me!" he cries before running off down the corridor.

Kryten, Cat and Kochanski all look at Lister. "Lovers tiff, eh matey?" Kryten asks, nudging Lister with his elbow.

"'Ang on… I thought you weren't gay…" Kochanski says, remembering, barely, their discussion in the vents of Starbug all those months ago.

"What?!" Lister asks, spinning to face the posse. "I ain't!"

"Young Mr Ace certainly thinks you are…" Cat offers. "And he did refer to you as the gymnastics coach, which would fit with the pattern of changes caused by the mirror universe."

"Oh smeg…" Lister mutters. "Let's get outta here…"

"No…" Rimmer says softly before screaming "NO!"

"Yes!" Death announces. "I have won!"

"Best two out of three! Please!" Rimmer begs, picking up the dice from their double six position. "I'll let you start in Europe! And roll first!"

"You have lost the game, and so your life, Arnold." Death says, standing and picking up his scythe.

"You can have Red Dwarf!" Rimmer shouts, still not believing that he lost to a single soldier. "I'm the only crew member left alive, so technically the ship belongs to me."

"Technically, Arnold, you are no longer alive." Death says smugly.

"But surely I'm too cowardly to be able to die…" Rimmer says, backing away from the robed one. "I've run away from every fight I've been in. Even that time Jimmy Thompson was on crutches and everyone was beating him up. I didn't help them do it because I'm such a coward!"

"You cannot fool me, Arnold." Death says, going towards Rimmer.

"Well alright, I threw some stones at him…" Rimmer accepts. "But I was far, far away!"

"Even the most cowardly die." Death says, reaching out for Rimmer. "Come."

"Not so fast, Death!" a bold voice says from the doorway of the quarters. Quick as a flash, a silver blur leaps to Rimmer's side, jabbing him in the neck with a hyper-syringe followed by the 'ku-duh' sound of it injecting.

The Grim Reaper roars out in pain, recoiling his hand as it smokes. "I will be back!" he shouts as he fades away.

"What the smeg was that?" Rimmer asks, terrified and rubbing his neck and looking at the newcomer. He's wearing a silver flight suit, sunglasses and has a thick head of blonde hair.

"Death defiance. A positive virus from dimension 112." the man says, tossing his hair backwards. "Turns out I'm packed fuller of it than that cyborg clone of Steve Irwin who presents the 'Animals That Try To Kill You' hour on Channel 16. Name's Commander Ace Rimmer. I'm you from another dimension - except not so damned handsome."

Rimmer blinks a few times, and then faints.

"So unless that pansy on the other side turns the bloody machine back on, we're stuck like this!" Kryten complains loudly.

"Keep it down, Kryten man…" Lister hisses. They're back in the captain's recovery room - hoping that the captain in this dimension actually has recovered and won't come back.

"Oh smeg off, yer a bigger pansy than 'e is!" Kryten says, waving his arm dismissively.

"Ey, just because I'm gay doesn't make me any less of a man." Lister says defensively.

"Oh aye?" Kryten asks, picking up a ball and handing it to Lister. "Chuck this, then."

Lister, ball in hand, looks at it and then at Kryten. "This ain't fair I-"

"Chuck it, or yer a pansy!" Kryten taunts, cutting off his best friend.

"Mr Kryten, might I-" Cat starts, being cut off too.

"An' I'll call you a pansy an' all!"

Lister closes his eyes, winds his arm back and throws the ball, making it bounce off of the far wall, flying back and smacking Kryten in the face, sending the mechanoid colliding with Kochanski. The pair fall back, hitting the wall beside the mirror. Cat and Lister are quick to help their friends up, the latter apologising again and again, despite Kochanski laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world.

"I did try to warn you, Mr Kryten." Cat says, dusting him down. "Mr David runs the ship's gym, remember?"

"Oh bugger off…" Kryten grumbles.

Ace has dragged Rimmer out of the quarters and back to the recovery rooms. He left the unconscious man on the floor and went to look for the machine, finding only smoking debris. After dragging Rimmer to the Hologram Simulation Suite, Ace starts typing away at the computer - very glad that the Jump ship's computer was adapted by one of the Ace's to scan any databases in the surrounding area. One too many times spent fighting Nazi's when it was the American's trying to take over the world, apparently. Ace knows all about the machine Kryten built - and knows just how to recreate it.

Rimmer starts to stir, and wonders why his arm and back hurts. If he looked at his uniform, he'd also wonder why he's covered in dirt - until he learns that Ace has dragged him for nearly 2 miles.

"What's… going on?" he asks wearily.

Ace looks over at his counterpart. "Awake, Iron-balls?" he asks, hoping to give Rimmer a confidence boost. "We beat off Death, you know?"

Rimmer looks shocked and stands up. "Now just hang on a minute, I would _never_ do anything… Sexual… with a man!"

Ace chuckles. "That Rimmer wit sticks out in any dimension, old chum." He says, though he knows Rimmer actually thought he meant it. "Now come on, Arnie. Holly's down, so we have to activate this hologram manually."

"Wait... What hologram?" Rimmer asks, not fully realising where they are. He's never had any reason to come in here. There's no vending machine on this half of the deck.

"Well the only way to save our love-spuds now, is to get through into that mirror universe." Ace says, hitting the last few keys.

Behind him, a vague shape appears. It's gradually morphed into the right outline before colours appear, as if being poured in through the head. Seconds later, Kryten is stood there.

"Good heavens…" he exclaims, looking around. "How did I end up in the Hologram Simulation Suite? And Mr Ace, sir! You've come back!"

"Greeting Kryters." Ace says with a smile. "But I've got a bit of bad news. You went through the portal and, near as I can tell, Rimmsy over here came out a few minutes later. Bad luck on his part I'm afraid, as your machine was eaten by the virus."

"So you used the data that was stored in the ship's databanks to recreate my hologram. I see." Kryten says with a nod, reaching up and touching his H. "Though I'm afraid Red Dwarf isn't equipped with Hard Light technology, since we jetisonned Mr Rimmer's light bee, so if the microbe is still active, I can only assume some of the holographic projectors have been damaged…"

Rimmer, still stood in a state of half-shock, has no idea what's going on. "Excuse me…" he says, raising his hand as-if to get attention from a waiter. "But what the smeg is going on? The ship's being eaten alive by some chameleonic microbe and you both decide it's the perfect time to have a knitting meeting?"

"Sorry Arn, just bringing Kryter's up to speed. Won't take a tick, the 4000 series is quicker than a cheetah falling from orbit." Ace says, fishing in his pocket. He plucks out a light bee. "Here you go old chum." He says, tapping a few buttons on the device making Kryten vanish. Ace tosses the light bee onto the floor and it starts to buzz before rising and being obscured by Kryten's form.

"Goodness… Now I understand how Mr Rimmer felt…" the mechanoid mutters.

"Sorry, what?" Rimmer asks, leaning closer with his nostrils flared.

"Not you, iron balls." Ace says with a chuckle. "Now Kryters, how's about we bash one of these things together?"


End file.
